With so much biased, controversial coverage, here is one viewpoint which we can all agree is a bit off.
PERSIAN GULF (3/24/2003) - Well, the war has started. The allied forces have begun attacking the Iraqi government with more force and ferocity that most people use to attack a hot, charbroiled steak. This is a good thing, because it shows that people have table manners, and know how to eat slowly and politely like civilized humans should normally consume their food.
Another difference between eating steak and the US-led operation against Iraq is that many television stations are showing their viewers (you and me) in depth, midst-of-the-action footage of every single thing that is happening out there. I find it simply fascinating to watch cruise missiles leave the ships and even more exciting to watch them turn buildings into smoldering ruins. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not enjoy death and carnage. I do not enjoy buildings burning. I do however, enjoy watching it on TV. This is the way I look at it: At the end of the war, statistical figures will be released. These figures will state the number of buildings blown up, the amount of vehicles destroyed, and all sorts of other interesting tidbits. Now, these numbers are facts, not lies. They are true – they are always true. So if the allied forces did not cause the destruction of these buildings it would have been someone else. So they are just keeping with the numbers. It is not like they are blowing up buildings that would not have been demolished, as the statistics clearly indicate.
Anyhow, as you watch these missiles and bombs land, explode, and vaporize their targets, you probably think "Wow! I would do anything to get my hands on a Tomahawk Cruise Missile! That would show my annoying neighbors!" This is wrong. You should not be thinking like this. Remember, Tomahawk Missiles are designed to be launched from a distance at a large and sturdy target. If you would use this on your neighbor, you may damage your own home too. Therefore, I would look into other methods of destruction.
If you are still insistent upon obtaining a Tomahawk missile, there is always the black market. On the other hand, the black market, being the main supplier of such items, is currently very busy and may not be able to complete your order in a reasonable amount of time. It is for this reason that I am going to reveal to you the process of creating your very own surface-to-surface missile:
Aaron’s Missile
Necessary Components: 1 can of Pringles™, 5 model rocket engines, 5 model rocket igniters, 1 roll copper wire, 1 electric switch, 2 AA batteries, 3 "cone" cups. 1 cup of impact-sensitive explosives, 1 bottle of glue, 1 miniature computer navigation system (optional).
1. Eat Pringles™. 2. Jam all (or as many as possible) rocket engines into the opening of the can. Seal with glue if necessary. 3. Glue cone cups into each other. 4. Fill cone cups with explosives (candy will also work). 5. Glue top of Pringles™ can to seal cones. (This is now your warhead.) 6. Add and configure navigation system (optional). 7. Wire switch to batteries and engines. 8. Aim rocket. 9. Flip switch.
There you go. Your rocket should be en-route to its target. Now go hire a lawyer and practice acting insane. Or you could run away. Your choice. But don’t you dare mention my name. Remember, I have 300 Pringles™ cruise missiles aimed at your house.
